When Reality Trumps Civility

In a recent workshop, as we were reviewing the list of behaviors that are considered workplace incivility, a manager exclaimed, “Are we now teaching people in the workplace basic manners? Is this what we have come to?!”

This list of uncivil behavior includes things such as skipping basic niceties (hello’s, thank you’s), eye rolling, dismissing others’ contribution or skills, excluding them, rude use of mobile devices, and more. In short, lacking in the very basics of showing regard for another person.

In many of our training sessions, participants lament the seeming loss of basic decorum in the workplace. They wonder whether and how we lost the capacity to play nicely together in the (metaphorical) sandbox.

Here’s my take on this issue.

By and large, most people do have basic manners. But there are some variations in how these manners are expressed, as anyone who’s ever set foot in a multicultural or multi-generational workplace can attest. Yes, there are the few who are uncivil on a persistent basis. However, the vast majority of people come to work and practice what they perceive to be essential decorum and civility.
But here’s what sometimes happens: you arrive at work and you truly, authentically intend to be a positive player. You sincerely mean to live up to your core values—decency and dignity, consideration and kindness.

But then reality hits. And it’s fast and furious. You get sucked into a powerful vortex of incredible demands, lethal deadlines, people who seem unreasonable, faster-than-lightning change, difficult clients, demanding bosses, stubborn room thermostats, budget cuts, doing “more with less”…you name it. (And did I mention personal pressures and even global stressors, all humming in the background?)

So you forget. You forget to be nice. You forget to keep your judgmental thoughts to yourself. You neglect the little niceties. Instead, you become tunnel-visioned—focused on getting through your day and coming out the other end in one piece. You’re a tad curt, dismissive or impatient. You’re not as good with your hellos and thank-you’s and a juicy swear word might sneak out here and there. You don’t show the regard for others that you otherwise would have demonstrated.

An observer who doesn’t know the “real you” might say that you are, well, uncivil.

So it’s not about not having manners. It’s about remembering who we are and living up to our values and higher self even when we are pushed, squeezed, stretched, and compressed.

To maintain your civility even when workplace challenges put speed bumps in your path consider these ideas:

1. Ask yourself: what would someone whose personal example I admire advise me to do? What actions can I take right now to demonstrate kindness toward others around me?
2. Reflect on the top five ways you like to be treated at work. Now consider: where do you fall short on applying those very same desired behaviors to the way you treat others? Most importantly—how can you do better?

Good luck on the journey!